Hanging with Kenneth Faried at Target

I spent Saturday night at my local Super Target. Hey, don’t judge me. It’s ski season and I needed PB&J supplies for my 5:00 a.m. alarm to heed the call of the mountains. As always, though, a quick, Skippy extra crunchy run turned into a full on pantry resupply.

I’m a super inefficient shopper. I crisscross all over the place as I remember that one thing I need over near the produce and then, as soon as I get over there, I have to head back to stationary to grab some scotch tape. And I ALWAYS remember something I forgot as soon as we get to the car, usually a new Brita purifier. My wife hates it. Luckily for me, it paid off this one time.

As I made my final descent by the checkout lines, I looked up, then again, then one more time, then around to see who else has made the same discovery as me. Seemingly nobody else noticed the towering 6’ 8” man in gray sweats and a baby blue hoodie stepping up to counter 17 to buy whatever famous people buy.

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Kenneth Faried shops at MY Target. Does that make us friends? Do you think he buys the same brand of two percent milk that I do? Does he turn cart pushing into a Tokyo drift challenge? He must go straight to the “As Seen on TV” section like I do, right? In shock, I grabbed my wife’s arm and asked her all these questions in 0.2 seconds.

She glanced over to see what my tantalizing gaze fixated upon, but she didn’t see anything out of the norm. “You know who that is?! He plays for the Nuggets”, I whispered aggressively. She scoffed and we continued on towards bread.

“Is that Monster?” she replied without even looking back. Kenneth Faried is the only player my wife knows, but she gets his nickname confused sometimes. Every time, actually. Fully understanding what she meant I said, “Yes! The Manimal! What do we do?” Unimpressed, she kept walking and we were gone. I looked back one more time as my encounter with Faried dissipated in the wind, or should I say Target’s blasting air conditioning.

Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Faried is a fan favorite here in Denver, and yet, nobody in the store recognized him. Mostly because he had his dreads hidden neatly in his hoodie. It actually surprised me a little bit how “normal human” he looked, besides the fact that he was eight inches taller than anybody there. I guess it’s good to know he can still maintain some anonymity in public. But his superhero mask maneuver to try and hide his identity could not fool me.

Now, I’m not one to approach a famous person or be a crazy fan. I always try to play it cool. You know, act like you’ve been there before. But on the inside, I’m like a Belieber. While my wife continued shopping as if nothing extraordinary happened, I dazed off into all the “what ifs” of my meeting.

I spent the rest of that night coming up with the things I COULD have learned about Kenneth Faried by standing in line with him at Target:

Decision-Making Skills

Does he make the last-second decision on some Tic Tacs? Looking to slim up for swimsuit season, can he resist taking a peek at Cosmo magazine to see how to lose 50 pounds fast? In the NBA, he is making dozens of split-second decisions like this on the court each night, leading to either a score, a miss or a turnover. My guess is he sticks to his game plan in the aisles and doesn’t get deterred by some over-the-counter Slim Jims.

Risk Aversion Level

Is he a vanilla bean man or does he go all out for some Chunky Monkey? Does he check his eggs one more time in line to make sure none are cracked? Does he double bag? We see him run wild on the court, but these little details tell much more about his state of mind while and control while competing.

Athletic Hygiene

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The Manimal definitely has some of the best hair in the league. He has to accompany that with some of the best shampoo. I imagine it’s not Head & Shoulders, otherwise we would have already seen him on commercials with Troy Polamalu and Joe Mauer. I would absolutely get whatever he uses to go along with my rapidly escalating male pattern baldness.

His job requires him to sweat a lot, so I have to know if he goes stick, gel, spray or roll-on deodorant. Maybe he’s an antiperspirant guy, although when you play as hard as he does, that’s fighting an uphill battle.

How does he keep his basketball shoes from smelling? I try to air mine outside, but he has to use some mothballs or spray.

Classic Movie Taste

It’s hard to go into Target and not go to the $5-or-under movie section. You have almost all the classics that you could imagine. I could see him being a Top Gun guy. The comedy mixed with the action and some serious comradery. Faried himself is a kind of ride-or-die, Goose-like teammate. But hey, maybe he’s all laughs and can’t resist Caddyshack.

Dark horse: some combination of Lion King/Aladdin/Mulan. Something tells me he is a sucker for the good ol’ Disney days.

True Work Ethic

It’s easy to go all out in the heat of battle, like when I play Settlers of Catan, or in Faried’s case, on the court, but our real go-get-it attitude comes out in every day, regular chores.

I pride myself on carrying as many bags as it takes to get everything from the car to the house in one trip. No excuses. I need to see if Kenneth bags his own groceries. Does he take the shopping cart all the way out to the car or does he drop it off by the exit and carry the bags? If he takes the cart outside, does he put it back in one of the drop-off ports or does he leave it in the closest empty parking spot? I bet he goes all out. Maybe he doesn’t even use a cart.

So many lessons to take in. As I sat on the ski lift eating my PB&J, I reflected on all I learned about the Nuggets energy guy – or what I could have learned. I get that athletes are just normal people like you and me, but it is awesome to relate on menial activities like hitting up the store to grab some supplies.

Next: Nuggets Hang On to Beat Blazers

Looking forward to seeing his preference on spinach vs. kale when I run into him at Trader Joes. Just kidding, but I’ll you know if it happens.